Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
