Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
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