i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
she pinky promised me she was 18
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Holy sore nipples Batman
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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