his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
is wine microwaveable?
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
