I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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