If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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