Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
