So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
