i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
