so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
