I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Randomize
