did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Randomize
