8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
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