you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
