Who wears a wallet chain?!
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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