I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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