Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
