I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
