I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
