Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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