What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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