On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
