I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
3 2 1 whiskey
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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