Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
