between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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