How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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