upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Randomize
