Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
