i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
