Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Randomize
