Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
