the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
So apparently I’m into choking now
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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