i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
