if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
