i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Randomize
