Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
