I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
He better not be in your backpack
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
