He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
