Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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