If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
