i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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