every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
