so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
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