I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
