I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
