I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
