I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
