When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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