R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
