I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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