I want to make a zoo with you.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Randomize
