He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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